I Still Hurt Sometimes Pt. 1

I’ve walked away from God so many times in my life. I’m not even thirty yet but I’ve walked away from God every few years since the age of 9. You see, I come from a family of baptists. If you know anything about stereotypes surrounding baptists, I’ve already said enough. If not, let me enlighten you from my experience.

You see, growing up a girl in a black Baptist family meant I was raised to be seen and not heard. I was raised to do as I was told instead of having an opinion of my own. I was taught about sin but only when it was used to shame someone else (but it was acceptable and not considered sin if the person doing the shaming was also living in willful sin). There was a ton of hypocrisy in the church and at home. I believed that nothing I did, said, or believed was right unless it could be used to boost someone else’s ego. This eventually lead me to start doubting God. “If God is real,” I would think to myself, “and He loves me, why is He allowing me to suffer so much? I’m just a kid. I don’t even know how to make myself a meal but I’m expected to understand adults and still be a child.”

I hated my life. I hated myself. I hated everyone and everything because I couldn’t make heads or tails of anything. I believed that my sole purpose in life was to make everyone else happy in order for me to be happy so I wanted to die everyday.

BUT GOD!

I allowed Him to step in from time to time and change my situation. However, I had a lot of growing to do. I STILL HAVE a lot of growing to do. One of the things I struggled against was depression up until the end of 2024. I still get sad, angry, etc. from time to time BUT GOD. I know now that I’m never really fighting my battles alone. God always sees me through. As for the hypocrites, which include myself at times (because even I fall short of God’s glory), please read the following verses.

Mark 7:6-8 NIV

“He replied, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: “ ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.’ You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to human traditions.””
‭‭Mark‬ ‭7‬:‭6‬-‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/111/mrk.7.8.NIV